[We would like to thank Tim Davis, Pinnacle Ventures - Room 2296 for recapping last night's show. -Ed.]

I don’t ever do this- but my stay at the Moon Palace Resort this weekend was one of the WORST experiences of my life. My idea of a relaxing vacation does not include dreadlocks, drugs or 5000 dissociating hippies dancing outside of my hotel room until 4 in the morning. Here’s how the perfect week can be completely destroyed by a band from Vermont, and their cult-like followers.

LOUD, tie-dye-wearing zombies who looked like they’ve been dancing for days wade through the marbled floors leaving a trail of dust behind them. The beach? Taken over. The restaurants? Impossible to get a reservation. The pools? Full of rowdy partiers blasting music and spilling drinks everywhere. I couldn’t even escape the madness in my own room because the bass from the concert rattled the walls until the early hours of the morning.

The Moon Palace is a lovely resort. You’ve got everything you need right at your fingertips, scenic, sprawling beaches, wonderfully attentive staff, luxury amenities, guacamole on demand & unlimited booze around every corner. For hardworking families like mine, it’s the perfect place to come & unwind for a few days.

Imagine my surprise when I saw on the activity schedule that a concert was happening DURING my family vacation. A band called ‘Phish’, I’d never heard of. At first I thought nothing of it, but come Friday night I began to regret my choice of ever setting foot in the Moon Palace at all.

Though the sea of hippies & party girls overtaking the pools, beaches & restaurants were an inconvenience- the true horrors didn’t start until around 8pm Friday night. By the time the concert started, I was already exhausted by the fans. Rowdy, drunken 20 to 50 year-old children yapping about how many concerts they’ve seen & what the “best show ever” was all day long. No matter where you went, everyone seemed to be having the same conversations.

After a long day of navigating a 5000+ person inside joke with my family, all I wanted to do was go to bed. I couldn’t even escape the madness in my own room because the bass from the concert rattled the walls like an earthquake. I decided to take a walk over to talk to the stage manager. I didn’t have a ticket, but money talks around here - I handed the usher at the door $20 and walked inside.

Now, my last concert was Rush in 1979. I’m not a “music guy”. That being said, I have been to plenty of parties in college - and I had never seen anything like what I saw walking on to this beach. It looked like some of them had been on that beach for days, sunburned, sand crusted & in a daze. A sea of drunk, salty, sweaty fans taking drugs & dancing themselves into the dirt. Was this really their idea of a vacation?

The lights went down and the crowd began howling like wolves. What sounded to me like circus music for kids was sending these folks into a feral frenzy. A group of 3 people to my right began arguing about what song they thought it was (Editor’s Note: "Cars, Trucks & Buses") - I quickly realized that none of them knew the name of the song.

The next song (Editor’s Note: "Moma Dance") sounded like complete gibberish. You couldn’t make heads or tails of the lyrics & you could hardly hear the music over the completely overpowering bass. This song sounded like a malfunctioning robot; and people were doing tai-chi and spinning around in circles like it was gospel. Are these people out of their minds? I realized at that moment this was not just any concert; this was a gathering of devotees. A couple in matching snakesuit spandex body suits slithered up to me and told me I could see the band better if I closed my eyes. I decided to keep moving.

The behavior of concert goers continued to shock and surprise me. The next song (Editor’s Note: "Sigma Oasis") went on & people were dancing, and hugging and high-fiving each other like it was the best night of their lives or something. How pathetic! Every time I thought a song was over, it took a left a turn and kept going. When would this nightmare end?!

As the concert continued, I realized I still I wasn’t sure if this band is for kids or adults. Everyone acted like a kid, had a kid with them, or both. Songs about living in Tubes (Editor’s Note: "Tube") & the Wolfman (Editor’s Note: "Wolfman’s Brother") & getting lost in corn mazes. (Editor’s Note: "Maze"). Some of these songs went on for upwards of 20-minutes! I value my time too much to sit around and wait 20-minutes for a song to end. The longer the song went, the more these people completely detached from reality.

The next song started out slow, (Editor’s Note: "Lonely Trip") and the crowd collectively paused the non-stop dance party for the first time since the concert started. A man appeared next to me & he must have seen horror on my face, because he kept telling me that I would come down soon & it would all be okay. He was acting like I was the crazy one!

By the time the next song started, the crowd returned to their once feral state. This song sounded like an animal being killed (Editor’s Note: "Possum"). I swear, I saw someone foaming at the mouth.

The concert finally came to an end & I thought my nightmare was over - but no one was leaving. The beach turned into groups of people sitting in circles, I’m surprised no one starting chanting Kumbaya or a drum circle didn’t break out. Luckily for me, these people were far too gone to pose any sort of an organized attempt at anything. They mostly seemed confused.

Why wasn’t anyone leaving? I realized that this must be an intermission & my nightmare was not even close to over. Would this band just solo all night long?

I went to the closest bar & ordered a triple. As I went around searching for a manager I could speak to - the concert began again with a song that seemed to reboot the groups of wide-eyed concert like dancing robots that had just been plugged back in. (Editor’s Note: "Oblivion") The concert-goers continued to dance, but more aggressively than before. They seemed to either hang on every note, or be completely unaware of their surroundings. There was no in between.

After what seemed like a lifetime, a song that no one seemed to know (Editor’s Note: "Sightless Escape") began. I could tell no one knew it because everyone started talking almost immediately. Did these people love this band or not?

Another issue I had with this concert experience was the completely OVER THE TOP light show! My wife texted me saying she was seeing donuts projected on to the walls of our room. It was like the lighting guy was acting as a fifth member of the band or something. I don’t care for this Phish music, but what a distraction the light show was!

After a song about a captain at sea (Editor’s Note: "Prince Caspian") exploded onto a sea (literally, there were people dancing knee-deep in the ocean water - I don’t even think they knew where they were- I pray there was a lifeguard on duty), the next song took an dark turn.

After what felt like an entirety of people chanting & screaming to another song with lyrics that don’t make sense & never ending guitar solos (Editor’s Note: "Fuego") went on for 23 minutes. At a certain point, it didn’t even sound like the song anymore. Why would any band create a 20-minute plus interpretation of a song that doesn’t sound anything like the song?!

One song led into the next (Editor’s Note: "Beneath a Sea of Stars Pt. 1") and people began gazing up at the stars as if they’d never seen stars before. I don’t know what these people are on, but I believe the music itself may have some intoxicating qualities. This band had lulled these people into a sleepy blissed out haze. For a moment I considered going back to my room & giving up on my mission to file a complaint.

As I started to plan my escape, the band seemed to ripcord into a song that sent every man, woman, child, & lizard in attendance into an unimaginable mayhem. (Editor’s Note: "Chalkdust Torture"). There were women writhing around on the ground & men spinning in circles. Each ceaseless guitar solo seemed to make it worse! I began to fear for my safety. This entire concert experience was like a New England college-town party that got out of hand & no one knew how to stop it.

I was hoping that the concert would start winding down at that point after the explosion of energy that seemed to overtake the venue, but the next song only seemed to add fuel to the fire. (Editor’s Note: "Most Events Aren’t Planned")

Finally, the concert came to an end. For a moment, I wasn’t sure who I was or what I was doing there. I haven’t smoked a cigarette in 20 years, but somehow one appeared in my hand. I sat down in the sand and looked around, wide-eyed as the rest of them. Someone gave me a high five.

Before I had a chance to gather my thoughts, the concert began again for an encore containing 2-songs (Editor’s Note: "Saw it Again" & "Say It To Me Santos"). This band PLAYS 2 FULL-SETS AND AN ENCORE! For some reason, I couldn’t bring myself to get up and leave. I sat dazed on the beach for another 20-minutes staring up at the stars until an usher told me the concert had ended & I should to return to my room.

Overall, my experience at the Moon Palace Friday night was unforgettable. I have already changed my family's flights & we will be leaving first thing in the morning. This was easily the worst vacation I’ve ever had & I will never be the same after what I witnessed at the Moon Palace this weekend. If you’re looking for a peaceful, high-end resort experience—STAY FAR AWAY from Moon Palace, especially if they’re hosting one of these “Phish” events.

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